Breaking Up the Girl
by vinacross
Summary: NOT a femslash. Utena comes to believe that she and Anshii are one person. Songfic to "Breaking Up the Girl"by Garbage.


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-In a modern culture  
My friend you must be careful  
They've got million ways to kill you-

When I first came to this school, I didn't really find anything too out of the ordinary. Sure, I mean, Wakaba did jump all over me, and people stared at me when I walked by, but.. I never believed there was anything strange..

And then I learned about the Setoukai and their Dueling.

Violent, control-obsessed Saionji.. Genius Miki, always ready to help... Aristocratic Juri, ice-queen feared by all.. and last, but not least, playboy Kiryuu Touga. They were all a bunch of psychos as far as i was concerned.

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-In this dangerous world  
There's an art to growing old  
Taking chances  
Magic happens-

When I met Himemiya, everything changed. I'd seen her around school, mostly getting smacked around by various people. She reminded me of myself a little, I suppose. The me that was too small to defend herself, and hid away so that she wouldn't have to deal with anything.

I fought Saionji because I was trying to protect Wakaba, but.. I ended up being 'engaged' to Himemiya. I never understood that entire process. I suppose it's because she's the Bride and I'm her Prince. I know I've never viewed it as a literal relationship.

Even so, I find myself trying to protect her all the time. I keep thinking that maybe for her I can be the Prince that gives her strength. No one else understands! Himemiya wants to be normal.. She wants to be stronger than she is, so that she can defend herself. She doesn't want to be the Bride.. I know it really has to be that way..

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-One mistake's all it takes  
And your life has come undone  
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl  
It's a drag  
I know it's hard  
But you're tearing her apart  
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl-

Sometimes I wonder if I should just lose._._ People keep telling me that I'm wrong. Himemiya is just marionette and no one can trust her. Why do people say that? Can't they see how afraid she is? Maybe I identify her with my younger self too much.. Maybe I think we're the same when we're not.. but, even so, I want to be the Prince that protects her. I can't just give up! I have to keep fighting! I can't let Saionji hurt her, or Juri use her to prove anything. I don't even want to think about what Touga would do... Even Miki couldn't protect her. 

Maybe by keeping her safe, I'm fixing the mistakes I made when I hid away so long ago..

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-I am afraid there's much to be afraid of  
Here today and gone tomorrow  
Don't end up in the gutter  
Just like the one before  
You're just the same  
You're such a loser-

Learning about Akio hurt me. Was Dios made into this? Why did Himemiya ... I don't want to think about it. I'll be stronger than he was. I won't fail. I can save everyone if I try hard enough, not just Anshii, not just myself.

But if Akio and Dios are the same.. if they were once one person.. is everyone like that? Does everyone have two sides? 

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-One mistake's all it takes  
And your life has come undone  
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl  
It's a drag  
I know it's hard  
But you're tearing her apart  
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl-

I've fought this far, and somehow I keep going. But facing Akio now, I know that something is wrong. Why is Himemiya hiding behind him? Haven't I protected her til now? Does she think I can't anymore?.. Why?

Is she doing what I did so long ago, when I hid behind Dios? We really are the same person, I think. Sometimes I believe it really has to be like that.. She's what I'll be if someone sealed me away.

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-You've got to let her go because you're breaking up the girl  
The girl-

There's a hand against the back of my shoulder, and I almost glance back. It'll be fine now, because I can protect us. We don't have to be Princesses anymore if I can beat him. We can both be the Prince. Because I know now that she's half of what I am. 

And then there is a blade, sheathing itself in my side. 

  
-_One mistake's all it takes  
And your life has come undone  
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl  
It's a drag  
I know it's hard  
But you're tearing her apart  
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl-_

I crumple to the floor. There's nothing else I can do, really. I've been run through by myself. I guess that deep down, every Akio wants to kill every Dios. 

I glance up and he's there, my Prince. On a child's merry-go-round he's sitting and watching me. When I finally pull myself up, I can't feel the wound anymore. I have to save myself. And I know now that that means saving Anshii. The swords above me aren't the things killing her. They don't even make a difference.

Pushing past Akio, I pull at the thorns covering the door. My hands are bleeding but I don't really care. When a small wedge appears between the door and wall, it's an accomplishment that I'm proud of. And finally the door opens. 

I'm trying to reach her there in that coffin. Trying to become one person again where the light of myself and the darkness of her don't matter. This is what being the Prince is. There is no Good or Bad, only people. 

The ground is cracking beneath me, but I'm not heeding it. If I can just get her out of that coffin, we can be one person again. We can be Dios before he was sealed away. We can be anything. 

But she falls, and her hand is torn from mine. And I know now that Revolution is not possible for me. An absence of Good and Bad will never happen. 

Dios and Akio will never be one person again. 

Anshii and I never will either.

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-You're breaking up the girl  
You're breaking up the girl  
The girl-

I shouldn't have tried to be a Prince. Everyone was right. I was destroying her. I was destroying myself. Maybe in another place, an outside world... maybe someday we'll shine together.

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AN: There are bound to be a million people who take this the wrong way. I personally don't believe that Anshii and Utena are a couple (no offense to people that do, and no I'm not homophobic) because of their intense love for their respective Princes. But I was entertaining an idea that if Akio and Dios can be the Light and Dark of one person, then so can Anshii and Utena. 

"Breaking Up the Girl" by Garbage ( note: that means it's not mine) was chosen for a couple reasons:

1) Everyone is always telling Utena to give up on Anshii because she's got no emotions. In a sense, they believe she's 'breaking up the girl'

2) If Utena and Anshii are two sides of one person, then obviously they've been separated. In this case, it's Akio who's 'breaking up the girl'.


End file.
